The Anti Cover Girl

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An Uncomfortable and Inconvenient Truth


When people ask me what my biggest fear is, I tell them sharks. I have had a lot of encounters with sharks though in the ocean, or seaweed…it’s all relative when you’re in there and don’t know what’s brushing up against your leg or soon to be nubbin. So I’d like to think I am pretty brave.

But if I was truly being brave I would post more of the things that collect dust in my drafts on this blog that I write but do not share because I lack the courage to post them. If I was truly being brave I would write about the things I am most afraid to write about. If I am truly being brave I would tell people that being vulnerable scares the hell out of me. Marriage scares the hell out of me. Divorce scares the hell out of me. And the the thought of someone not sticking by me through thick and thin because we live in a decenaitized world that treats everything as disposable and replaceable scares the hell out of me. It seems like everyone is on the search for the next best thing and analysis paralysis has plagued my generation. I would also say that not reaching my full potential terrifies me. Sometimes, life is just hard and it doesn’t go according to plan. But sometimes, we unconsciously hurt ourselves because we have morphed what it means to love purely and so we love conditionally. I think we forget that true commitment takes grit, and that living a higher law is the only way for deep and lasting happiness that isn’t going to be gone when the sun comes up or that buzz or high fades away.

The past few months I have found myself defending in some cases, and repeatedly explaining in others why I believe what I believe. I’d like to believe I’ve actually mastered these awkward conversations by now which to some degree amuse me and to some degree sadden me. So today I am writing this most uncomfortable, unpopular, in many cases unwanted truth. Not because it is my truth. I have tried in some ways living my truth and it required very little of me. It was convenient and popular and left me at first heartbroken, and then numb and quite cynical. I don’t live for my standards or my truth anymore. I don’t seek comfort because it requires nothing of me. I embrace the daily grind of trying to be a better person and when I screw up I try again because I am living for more than myself and my standards. I live a life that requires a lot of self-will in many areas, not just my 9-5.  I do this because it is my God’s truth. And I can’t help but lay my head down at night sometimes in total amazement that He and His truth are both so foreign ironically to us very beings who owe him our lives.

He is the reason I am. And because of that, I do my best to live his uncomfortable, unpopular truth.

In a world that is constantly changing, I believe God does not.

To clarify, I have many many people in my life that see the world differently than I do and I still love and respect them and am tremendously grateful that they do the same for me. I recognized at a very young age when certain people walked out of my life for living my truth that this would be a theme in my life and that I may often times be on a pretty lonely path. And in many instances that has been true. As I get older however it is not devastating to me to lose someone or see someone walk out of my life. Of course there are times when it may hurt but it doesn’t break me or shatter my sense of self. Thats only because I have full confidence that God blesses us when we try to live for him in a world that makes that pretty difficult and treats you like something is wrong with you for choosing to abstain from certain things that do not serve you. I also want to encourage anyone reading this today that is afraid to live God’s truth to know that the quality of the people that walk away from you because they are afraid of your light or your standards will never be able to hold a match to the quality of the people that stand by you and come pouring into your life for it.

F Burton Howard

 

 

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